Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Depth and Intimacy...and Houses

Ok friends, it's time for another serious post. I've been thinking lately about several things concerning myself. Wondering why I don't write anymore, why I have a very hard time making friends, why I'm a terrible pen pal. I have deduced that I am afraid of intimacy and anything else past the surface-level. I fear being rejected, and I fear that I won't be able to handle anything with any real depth. When I meet someone who could become a good friend, nothing ever progresses, because I feel like I am not entitled make a move that would deepen the friendship. I vowed when I was a teenager never to push myself in where I wasn't wanted, and that silly thing has only increased my natural reservation. It's probably a good thing I got married so young before I had a chance to develop these fears. I don't write because I can't get beyond the surface of my characters and really let them live. Sometimes I manage it, and I get a glimpse of what I could do if I got past this, but then poor Cass and Philip close up again and turn into cardboard. I think if I could open myself up more, then I could. Even this post is mostly on the surface. I intended to bare my soul and type everything I've been thinking on the topic, in a coherent, well-written essay. But it's not going to happen. Sorry, I've frozen up already! Back to the surface...
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We're going to look at this house tonight. It's in the area with the lake that KD wants to live in. Pros: cute porch, no shared walls. Cons: no garage yet, small yard, puny trees. There's another we're going to see on Saturday. It's actually a half-duplex (picture from the ad below). Pros: garage, really nice flooring, corner lot. Cons: shared wall, no fence, puny trees. Based solely on the ads, I could buy either one. I really need to finish the work in this place because if we decide on one of these, we'll have to list our house right away. KD also wants me to check out the brand-new quick-possession houses from the builders. And call the bank about our mortgage. In between all this work and caring for the baby, I need to read 100 pages of my text book, a memior and other articles as research for an essay, and start writing the essay. Oh, and KD's mom is coming to visit this weekend. Crazy timing for all this nonsense.

3 comments:

  1. I have to say... I think a lot of the blogs I'm drawn to the most is because I must have some sense that I can TOTALLY relate. And with what you wrote today... I can TOTALLY relate. Do you read Angela's blog... the painted house? She posted something similar last week and I could really relate to her post as well. I was very shy as a kid and I still am as an adult. Anyhooo.... just wanted to tell you I understand. :o)

    I'm excited for you guys to be house hunting again! I loved the hunt and I still look at houses for sale in my area online all the time. Have fun with your mother in law.

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  2. I LOVE LOVE that house...it is so cute! I love the shingle wood on top!

    You know what...THANK YOU for talking about something on your mind..there is more to life than decorating!

    -Sandy Toes

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  3. Jo, I so completely relate with this! I've always been shy, and still am. It's my dream to someday write a book, but when I start getting serious about it, I just get scared and freeze up. I'm terrified of putting myself "out there." I know that with my blog I sort of am, but it's not people that I know in "real life" reading my blog, so it feels totally different. I never tell anyone I actually know about my blog because I'm terrified that they'll read it. I've actually gotten really upset with my hubby for telling other people about it. Thank you for opening up with us!

    Those houses are both really cute! I love the front porch on the first one.

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