Saturday, 25 May 2013

Rebellion and Failure


Or, How and Why I Fail Everything I Try

I'm pretty sure I need therapy.  Somehow, I missed a few important lessons when I was growing up.  Such as, "Work first, play later," and any form of self-discipline, routine, or organisation.  In the past few years, I've tried different systems for fitness, healthy eating, budgeting, housekeeping, time-management, and parenting.

All have failed.  I can only stand restrictions for about three weeks before I rebel and do the exact opposite. I had the most success with The Game On! Diet book, but eventually, my sugar addiction and lethargy reasserted themselves.

I know my life will be so much better if I DON'T quit my efforts, but I, somehow, can't keep going.  It's like some kind of fatigue.  My mind rebels against the restrictions, and I start to feel like I'm being cheated out of whatever is restricted.  I can set up routines and systems and goals, and they work very well.  If I would only keep it up, it wouldn't take very long at all for me to feel like I could actually accomplish something.

When I started the Flylady thing this time, it was going so well!  I had my morning routine and before bed routine down pat, and I was working on my weekly cleaning chores, and I was excited about how nice my home looked.  Then I accidentally booked play-dates three mornings in a row.  Or was it four?  On the Sunday of that week, I was filled with anxiety.  I was afraid that with so much non-routine activity, I wouldn't be able to keep up with the success I'd been enjoying.  To no one's surprise, I was right.  That week, my routines went out the window.  And the week after, it was worse.  And the next week.  Etc.

I don't know what to do to fix myself.  At least I'm in good company with the Apostle Paul (who said something like, "I do that which I do not want to do, and I do not do that which I do not want to do"  I'd quote it exactly, but I can't remember the reference...anyone?).

All this makes me just a little bit terrified of my full-time work-at-home future...

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