Saturday, 25 May 2013
Rebellion and Failure
Or, How and Why I Fail Everything I Try
I'm pretty sure I need therapy. Somehow, I missed a few important lessons when I was growing up. Such as, "Work first, play later," and any form of self-discipline, routine, or organisation. In the past few years, I've tried different systems for fitness, healthy eating, budgeting, housekeeping, time-management, and parenting.
All have failed. I can only stand restrictions for about three weeks before I rebel and do the exact opposite. I had the most success with The Game On! Diet book, but eventually, my sugar addiction and lethargy reasserted themselves.
I know my life will be so much better if I DON'T quit my efforts, but I, somehow, can't keep going. It's like some kind of fatigue. My mind rebels against the restrictions, and I start to feel like I'm being cheated out of whatever is restricted. I can set up routines and systems and goals, and they work very well. If I would only keep it up, it wouldn't take very long at all for me to feel like I could actually accomplish something.
When I started the Flylady thing this time, it was going so well! I had my morning routine and before bed routine down pat, and I was working on my weekly cleaning chores, and I was excited about how nice my home looked. Then I accidentally booked play-dates three mornings in a row. Or was it four? On the Sunday of that week, I was filled with anxiety. I was afraid that with so much non-routine activity, I wouldn't be able to keep up with the success I'd been enjoying. To no one's surprise, I was right. That week, my routines went out the window. And the week after, it was worse. And the next week. Etc.
I don't know what to do to fix myself. At least I'm in good company with the Apostle Paul (who said something like, "I do that which I do not want to do, and I do not do that which I do not want to do" I'd quote it exactly, but I can't remember the reference...anyone?).
All this makes me just a little bit terrified of my full-time work-at-home future...