Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Purposeless



I'm nearly thirty-one years old.  And I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I know my main purpose is to serve God, and my family.  And I know my dreams: to write, to edit, to publish a magazine.  But I am so afraid to start.  Oh, so afraid.  I'm afraid that if I commit to something long term, like a magazine, I will fail.  My usual lazy tendencies will overrule any ambition and I will quit.  I always begin something with so much enthusiasm.  But I can't ever sustain it.  Not even long enough to finish the first draft of a novel.  Not even long enough to spring clean my house.

I'm scared to be self-employed.  It would be so much easier to just give in and get a traditional job.  To not be a writer.  To not be an editor.  To be content reading magazines instead of creating them.  But that is not the life I've dreamed of since childhood.  I have to create.  Something.  And I know from past experience that I only enjoy a traditional job until the novelty wears off.  Ok, so I've had only two jobs before.  But both experiences were the same: after about a year and a half, I was bored. Two years, and I was desperate for a change.

When I write or edit, I love it.  I love these creative acts (yes, editing—even editing for someone else—is creative).  But my difficulty is in getting started.  I have serious inertia issues.  So I procrastinate.  I'm scared to commit to a purpose because I know my history and my tendencies.

And I feel the same about this blog.  I've been doing this a lot longer than many of the top lifestyle bloggers out there today.  And I'd love to be bigger and more consistent and more focused.  But again, I'm afraid.  What if I commit to a series and then quit?  (Again.) Who cares what I have to say about anything anyway?  In blogging, I kind of feel like I did when I was a teenager.  I'm just a little fish swimming around on the outside of the school, unable to be noticed or heard or welcomed.  And the school is a whole lot bigger now than when I started in 2008.  Why am I here?  What is my purpose?

I don't have any answers to this, especially not today as a migraine is pounding away at my right temple and I slept away the morning trying to get rid of it.  Maybe I'll think of something late tonight when I'm lying in bed wide awake.

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