Wednesday, 29 January 2014
I'm nearly thirty-one years old. And I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I know my main purpose is to serve God, and my family. And I know my dreams: to write, to edit, to publish a magazine. But I am so afraid to start. Oh, so afraid. I'm afraid that if I commit to something long term, like a magazine, I will fail. My usual lazy tendencies will overrule any ambition and I will quit. I always begin something with so much enthusiasm. But I can't ever sustain it. Not even long enough to finish the first draft of a novel. Not even long enough to spring clean my house.
I'm scared to be self-employed. It would be so much easier to just give in and get a traditional job. To not be a writer. To not be an editor. To be content reading magazines instead of creating them. But that is not the life I've dreamed of since childhood. I have to create. Something. And I know from past experience that I only enjoy a traditional job until the novelty wears off. Ok, so I've had only two jobs before. But both experiences were the same: after about a year and a half, I was bored. Two years, and I was desperate for a change.
When I write or edit, I love it. I love these creative acts (yes, editing—even editing for someone else—is creative). But my difficulty is in getting started. I have serious inertia issues. So I procrastinate. I'm scared to commit to a purpose because I know my history and my tendencies.
And I feel the same about this blog. I've been doing this a lot longer than many of the top lifestyle bloggers out there today. And I'd love to be bigger and more consistent and more focused. But again, I'm afraid. What if I commit to a series and then quit? (Again.) Who cares what I have to say about anything anyway? In blogging, I kind of feel like I did when I was a teenager. I'm just a little fish swimming around on the outside of the school, unable to be noticed or heard or welcomed. And the school is a whole lot bigger now than when I started in 2008. Why am I here? What is my purpose?
I don't have any answers to this, especially not today as a migraine is pounding away at my right temple and I slept away the morning trying to get rid of it. Maybe I'll think of something late tonight when I'm lying in bed wide awake.