Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Year of Risk Update - #wordoftheyear

Here we are half-way through my Year of Risk.  My first time ever choosing a word of the year.  I entered a writing contest (and didn't win).  I applied for--and didn't get--an internship at a literary agency (that would have been so much fun!).  I applied for--and didn't get--a couple of other positions.  Then I posted a random complaint on Facebook about the difficulties of finding a job that let me avoid having to get before and after school care for my kids, and--ta-da!--a few weeks later I'm working basically full-time for an awesome boss doing interesting work, and not needing to pay for child care!  And now I'm busier than I've ever been in my life.  I've also said yes to some social situations that aren't exactly comfortable for an introvert like me.  I should probably have brought a friend to one or two of them, since I hate looking like a wallflower (which I am, of course).

It has, so far, been a year of risk-taking unlike any I've lived before it.  I don't do risk, generally.  I really like my comfort zone.  But what is interesting is that I'm also currently more fearful than ever before.  More introverted.  More awkward.  More doubtful of my abilities and talents.  Maybe pushing myself to jump in has made me more afraid.  This is the opposite of what I hoped would happen.

Usually I like going out to a house party, or other event.  I like being with people, as long as I know I'll have one or two people to talk to.  I like people-watching.  So why do I suddenly have a heart-racing, sweaty-palm reaction to the idea of going to an event?  Or at the idea of starting a conversation with one of the other soccer-moms lined up at the side of the weedy field?

In addition to the extra dose of anxiety, I'm also becoming discontented with that so very comfortable comfort zone.  Maybe I don't want to be the same as I've always been.  Maybe I want to change, even as I fear it?  I'm sure some famous somebody has said something about this paradox I find myself in.

image of alberta prairie field with cloudy blue sky